Saturday, November 24, 2012
So many days have gone by in a flash. I have met new people, I miss the old ones. I have experienced new things, yet I miss my old life. People talk about living in the present; others talk about looking towards the future. Yet...I keep looking towards the past. The beautiful past. The wonderful past. And the people in there. People tell me to learn from the past and move on, but how should I tell them that I learnt from my past when it was present and I cherish those lessons. But of all the things from the past, I miss one person. My mentor. His picture still sits on my desk and we converse in my dreams. His lessons still circulate in my mind and his voice still echoes in the corners of my brain. His voice. I wish I could hear that again. His smile, I wish I could see that again. My past is my sanctuary yet sometimes it haunts me too, not necessarily in a negative way but in a more complicated manner. Time has gone by, new time has come forth, yet I don't know where it is taking me. The uncertainties of life I would call it. Uncertainties are interesting. They keep you tense, they keep you suprised with their mysteries and complexities. They keep you buckled up in your seats, jostling you left and then right and then forward and then backward. It spins your head and gives you a rush no drug can induce. Uncertainties of life, just like in the dreams. The dreams are the same. They are unpredictable, mysterious and paranormal. Then what is reality? If the uncertainties of life and dreams are so similiar, then which do we consider as reality? Am I alive in the dreams or am I alive when I wake up? Or are they both unreal? Or...are they both real?
Posted by Oz at 5:38 AM
Monday, November 12, 2012
Tic toc tic toc. Shut up oh you clock. Slow down time. Too fast. Too fucking fast. It was just yesterday that I said goodbye to my family with tears in my eyes. And two months have already passed. Tic toc tic toc tic toc. I hate that sound. That sound of the needle completing its revolution in that clock. Slow the fuck down. Just yesterday I had started college and two months have passed and several tests have gone by and too many assignments have been submitted. Yet more are coming my way. More tests, more assignments, more work, less sleep. I need to finish this chapter. Two tests tomorrow, another one day after that, two assignments due. Tic toc tic toc. It's late. Way past midnight. So many chapters still left. Slow down slow down. I need to stay awake. Go away sleep. GO AWAY. My mind is a jumble of random thoughts. I need to smoke, I need drugs, I need alcohol but I resort to a hot cup of coffee. Coffee is my drug, coffee is my alcohol, coffee is my cigarette. More coffee, more more more. THOU SHALT NOT SLEEP. I wish the servants were here to serve me coffee in my room. That would have saved me precious 5 minutes. I wish my family was around. They could read my mind and help me without any verbal communication. Tic toc tic toc. Get back to the chapter. Mind going astray. CONCENTRATE OZZY! 30 more pages to go. Then notes, then past paper, then questions. Time is running, the sun is rising. Oh I need sleep. Maybe just 10 minutes of sleep. I need it. Put my head down for ten minutes. tic toc tic toc. WAKE UP. Study more. I don't understand this shit. FUCK. Fuck it, I am going to sleep. Goodnight world. Test in three hours, sleep for two hours this night. Just like the last night. And the night before. And the week before. And the month before. And life goes on...
As I sit in a foreign country and see Pakistan from a third-person's perspective, I ask myself: who is to be blamed? Who is to be blamed for the deterioration of my country? Who should be blamed for the destruction of my land? Who is guilty of the crime of ruining the glory of my home country? The elite? No. The elite cannot be blamed. The elite will always exploit everything and everyone around them. They will squeeze every atom of every available resource around them for their own advantage. They cannot be blamed for anything as whatever they are doing is in accordance with their basic nature. The poor? No. They are too helpless and too hopeless even though they are in majority. They are weak and incapable. They cannot be blamed as they are the ones suffering from majority of oppressions and persecutions. They are the ones most affected. It is not their fault. Then? Who should we blame? The whole blame lies on the shoulders of the middle-class society. They are the ones who decide to seal their mouths, blindfold their eyes and shut their ears. See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil?? Bullshit. They are guilty. They have the required resources which poor class do not have. They are capable of the sense of responsibility which the elite do not have. Yet they decide to do nothing. They can read and write and speak and fight, yet they decide to sit at home and do nothing. They pretend to have the helplessness and hopelessness of the poor class and the apathy and immorality of the elite. They pretend and they remain silent. Shame on them. They are guilty.