Humans

Human nature is a great mystery. God has created emotions in such a complex and mysterious way that no one can understand how they work. I came to America and my first thoughts were OZZY THESE PEOPLE KNOW THAT THEY WILL NOT SEE YOU AGAIN AFTER A YEAR, AND YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN, SO DO NOT GIVE OR EXPECT LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP, DO NOT GIVE OR EXPECT BONDS FROM THEM!

Things have changed. I have attached myself to so many people who I am sure I will never see again. Even if they do promise to come to Pakistan, I do not know if I will be alive to welcome them. Who knows God's strange way of working! I have made friends, fallen in love and had fun and now it is all going to become just a memory. Everything will become just a memory or an internet discussion. I am called a pessimist for thinking like that, but actually I am just being realistic. I have bonded with people here and I have bonded with people from other countries even though I knew and they knew that we would never see each other again. Human nature. Wierd, isn't it? I never expected this. But now I have to survive the pain of letting it all go. I have to endure completely leaving behind my this life and never seeing it again! How will I do that I do not know because I am usually fragile emotionally! I do not express emotions but I burn from inside.

Bye my friends. Good-bye and forget me not, for I will never forget you!

Pakistan Zindabad?

When Muhammad Ali Jinnah carved out Pakistan, he did not realize that the slogans of PAKISTAN ZINDABAD will one day fade out...It has already begun!

Pakistan created itself out of the dust of an insignificant imagination. It pierced through the impossible and became the possible. And now it is being pushed into the abyss of destruction, the hell of disaster and the fire of doom. Who is to blame? The government or the people? I would blame Muhammad Ali Jinnah for creating a land for these undeserving, useless people who are the fuel for all this trouble and chaos. People blame it on the religious laws or the government policies but seldom would they accept that the fault lies in them. Why not get up and shout against anything that one may feel is worng? Why just sit in front of a television and complain? WHINE WHINE WHINE, that is all we are capable of. Our civilization is old and unique, why have we failed to compete in the world? Are the ideas of Social Darwinism true that one race could be superior to another? If it is, then we have proved inferior to the world and our time is short. Why not rise together and show the world who we are? That will probably not work because you are all busy with your selfish lives in front of your televisions and radios.

I dream of Pakistan as a nation not following some other nation like a pet but a nation of power, might and authority. I feel so small, insignificant and useless to do anything about Pakisatn. I have to wait for now. But I am scared that Pakistan will not survive till I am capable enough to actually do somethng about it. It has reached its critical level when other countries' eyes pop out to take over! America has shown concern over our nuclear power and in near future may attack it with this excuse. Why cannot other countries have nuclear technology and America can? Probably because America wants to stay as the world power but why cannot everyone be equal?

Pakistan is sinking and with it my heart! All Pakistan needs is a Messiah!

Friends?? Where??

The most unfortunate son of Adam is one who does not have a loyal friend. I used to consider myself extremely fortunate! Being surrounded by a swarm of people who loved me like a bee loves his hive. I was always in the limelight, the warm center of attention.The question had always been WHAT WOULD SHEHROZ DO? and WHAT DID SHEHROZ DO? My friends would even give their life for me for they knew that I would give my life for them. But God always has a unique design for everyone. I was not spared!

Since I came here, I have found out how true my friends were to me all my life. They stabbed me right in the heart so many times that my heart is completely numb now. Who to trust? I am no longer what I was in my school in Pakistan. They all turned their faces away from me. ALL OF THEM! Now, I have to go back and I will again be surrounded by people but will I ever be able to trust anyone enough to befriend him/her? This has surely changed me enought to become cruel and rude. I was always nice to EVERYONE and never selfish but now SHEHROZ has changed. It will not be good for my social life but atleast my heart will be satisfied that I will never be betrayed. If I am bad enough then the friends I will make will not love me because of my position and status but because they would know me deep enough to see why I have become so rude and slefish.

And as for these hypocritical so-called friends, I will show them who I am and make them realize that they have lost my valuable friendship. I would have taken all of them in my boat but now there is only one boat and only one seat for me. I RIDE ALONE NOW!

Son of Adam Vs. God

I was sitting among the unbelievers. Unbelievers everywhere I looked. Their was a lot of show and drama going on. They were singing and called it WORSHIP but I knew what it actually meant to worship! I was still steadfast to my belief but the Devil kept whispering into my ear! He kept telling me to listen to him.



BUT...on my right ear I heard a voice of God Himself! The most sweet sound I have ever heard! The voice was enough to bring tears in my eyes and to make my faith stronger.



Oh Son of Adam, you asked me to tell you what is right! I told you what is wrong! See what is going around you and think what is wrong. I created you but would you turn away from them the way they did? I crafted you with my own hands which is more difficult than the way an artist makes a sculptor and I love you more than the way a mother loves her child after bearing him for nine months. I took care of you every moment since I made you. You asked me for a car and I gave you a job. You asked me for help and I gave you a friend. You asked me for satisfaction and I gave you family. You asked me for love and I gave you children. You asked me for better jobs and I gave you better education. You asked me for protection and I gave you mother. You asked me for blessings and I gave you a father. You asked me for strength against you renemies, I put you with strong enemies so that you may become stronger You asked for food and I gave you rain. You are fortunate and many are not. Thus, in this time of test will you forsake me? Will you deny the shadow of my hand over your head and start singing and crying like these ignorants who think I would like to be worshipped with music and songs. I only like to be worshipped from within your hearts and not from your mouth with a devil's tongue!

Don't knock the door

I once read an Urdu novel with the title DASTAK NA DO (Don't knock the door) and it inspired me to write this story somewhere in 2006...I am just transfering it from page to technology and shortening it.

She was standing there. And I was far away. She was standing there at the bus stop with a swarm of people around her like a bee hive-unconcerned and busy. And I was standing here, far away with my rich friends around me who would give ther life for me. A distance existed between us, a social distance and a cultural distance. I never believed in love at first sight but it is ironic how a thief can turn into a priest and how a priest can turn into a thief. But it couldn't be love. It just couldn't be. Its just a fantastic concept over-exagerrated by stories, movies, poems and songs. How can someone like me be ever involved in a chidish thing called love. I just sat in my car and drove away.

I couldn't sleep anymore. What was it? Why was it? Why is love considered the most beautiful thing in the world yet it is so painful and torturous? My once satisfaction-filled dreams are stolen by a poor girl who I don't even know. She was ordinary looking yet so extraordinary! What was it about her that snatched me away from my carelesness and changed me in a moment. How can a rebel like me change so easily? That is how my nights were spent after that day, questions racing through my mind like eagles soaring towards the ground to catch its prey. I was disturbed and confused. I decide to find her. What a typical start of the love story! It was crazy i knew that well.

I find her at the same bus stop. I park my car far away. She was standing there and this time i was closer to her. I stand by her, she ignores. "Where does this bus go?" I ask. "To the city market." She replies. And then starts what a poet would call a true love story. I would meet her everyday and we would talk about everything. Yet I never expressed her my love nor did she see me in that sense. We were friends and I was more than content with her company. Everyday I would stand in front of the mirror and promise myself to tell her about my feelings but somewhere in my heart I was waiting for something-waiting for a sign from her. I was afraid that I may lose her forever, a dilemma faced by every lover. I decided never to knock the door. Stay quiet and be friends. There was still a distance I could never shorten. What else could one do who never used to believe in love?

Like every love story, there is always a twist that changed the whole direction of the story. She stopped showing up at the bus stop. I never knew her home! How could I be so stupid? I would wait thereeveryday yet she never showed up. What to do? Where to go? OH THE MADNESS AND THE PAIN! Everyday I would imagine her silky hair like a stream of water brushing against my cheek, her breath like spring breeze caressing my hair. I could not sleep, could not even dream about her. I picked the knife and did what I could do to get rid of my pain.

She had died in an accident after meeting me one day and departed from this world leaving behind a secret lover who killed himself. Indeed they met somewhere in the other world and would have blamed each other for never knocking the door!

Pranks...

I have played quite a few pranks over here with some American friends.

One of them was to write HAPPY BIRTHDAY all over Brooke's car and 'Food Wrapped' her whole car using a few rolls of clear food wrap. That was hilarious. The expressions were pricelss once she saw it! It took the elements of spying plus speed plus accuracy plus brains to pull this one off!

Another recent one was when Marcelo and I were going with Kent to an old lady's house to play some games and have dinner. Her name was Mary Spears. Now, the problem was that she had a very nosy neighbor (another old lady) who would spy on all of her neighbors all the time. Guess what we did to her! Me and marcelo walked up to her house and rang the bell. She opened the door and I said "ARE YOU THE ONE WHO ASKED FOR THE ESCORT SERVICE?" Escort is a more polite word for hooker (in this case, 2 handsome male hookers from Pakistan and Brazil). hearing this, she was shocked and said "NO NO I DIDN'T ASK FOR ANY!" At this Marcelo (my Brazilian brother) said, "AREN'T YOU MARY SPEARS?" And the old lady immediately says, "OH MARY SPEARS LIVES ACROSS THE STREET IN A GREEN HOUSE!" The only purpose of this was to test her NOSINESS and stimulate it further. In a matter of seconds, the news spread throughout the neighborhood old ladies that Mary Spears asked for two young, handsome male ESCORTS. Now, her curiousity could not keep her from calling Mary Spears and getting further details. So she calls and goes on, "WHY DID YOU ASK FOR YOUNG ESCORTS?" ANd Mary Spears replies, "OH BECAUSE THEY ARE CUTE!"

Well, we had to tell her that it was a prank. If I was Mary Spears, I would have never told her that it was a prank just to increase her curiosity and spying over the next few weeks!

Death?

How difficult it is to raise a child, how difficult it is to create a life, but how easy it is to take it all away! IN A SECOND!

Death has always fascinated me. As most of my fascination lies in mysteries. The brain, the universe and death are the three most mysterious phenomena.

"Death seems so fascinating.
You live miserably.
And then die peacefully."

Depressing? Garbage?

Someone told me that I only write depressing stuff in my blog! Well, I cannot help it. The olden golden days of pen and paper are gone when people would write even under the moonlight. I still cannot write unless I have a pen in my hand and a paper beneath it and thousands of thoughts running like a stream in my head. But when I sit down on the computer, my thoughts just vanish! I feel like an idiot with my hands on the keyboard. This frustration turns into anger and in turn the anger makes me write depressing stuff that further angers me! Moreover, I have lost my flow of writing since August... Where has my creativity gone? Where has my philosophically beautiful phrases vanished? I know where! In the dark realm of technology!

You see again I started writing rubbish! GARBAGE GARBAGE GARBAGE!
aaaaaaaaaarghhhhh....

Those people who know me, they know that I am too lazy...Too lazy to even type my written stuff on computer. And some of those people even know that I do not like to share my written material. Its just that I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself! As half of the time they are completely absurd!

See, garbage again!

What Have We Become?

God created mankind to flourish on the Earth. To live peacefully in harmony. God knew what would happen! Yet He created mankind with hope that it may live as He wished. But humans never followed Him. They never followed their Creator and the angels knew this. Angels knew that we would bring chaos and destruction on themselves. We are not even a bit ashamed of what we have done this world!
Man killing man! Blood and tears wash down whole cities! Even nthe moon sobs at our doings. The sun gets hotter with anger as it sees us destroy ourselves. Is this why God created us? To destroy oursleves? God gave us feelings so that we could feel the burden of our actions yet we all fail to feel! If only we had felt the cries of an orphan, screams of an injured, tears of a mother, anger of a brother, plea of a father and silence of a sister, we would have already stopped this self-destruction. People are butchered like animals in Afghanistan, Iraq and Gaza because only two small groups are not willing to agree on the same terms! Revenge is a poison to this world! Blood is not the cure for loss but salt on a wound! There is no satisfaction in EYE FOR AN EYE ideology. You feel satisfaction only in FLOWER FOR AN EYE...try it, it works!

I know I write rubbish, but how can I transform my heart into words? Rip open my chest and you will see pain. Pain to see you kill yourself.

Homesick…Pakistan I miss you! Do you miss me?

For past few days I have been homesick more than ever. I miss my grandparents and parents more than ever. No matter how bad or dangerous my land is, there is nothing better than its hard ground. I would rather tragically blow up into pieces than to live a long life away from Pakistan. My Land, My People, My Home. I was born there and there I shall rejoin with dust. I shall die on it and for it! I have seen and experienced and felt things that no one can understand. I do not want to live a cowardly life like a machine; a life in which you do not even have time for your family and friends. Americans wake up in the morning, eat and go to work. Then come back, eat and work. Then go to sleep. Is this Life? What is the use of earning all that extra salary and getting all those services when you do not know how to enjoy! These people neither live for themselves nor for God. While Pakistanis either live for themselves or for God which makes my land so colorful and lively! People would still leave their homes to go to a mosque even if a rocket dropped a few meters from it. They would still go shopping even if the mall was bombed many times. They would still celebrate independence even though streets are not safe. They would still eat outside even if they know that the food is unhygienic. They would still put all the food in front of their guests even if they know that they won’t have food for the next day. THIS IS PAKISTAN! AND THESE ARE ITS PEOPLE!

Proud to be a Pakistani even though patriotism was never taught in my school (as it is taught in American schools)

Estupidos Americanos

I am hundred percent convinced that the whole world is smarter than these Americans. I have seen their country and I have closely observed their system. The biggest flaw in their system is the idea of FREEDOM. I agree that every human has the right to be free in every aspect but it must also be not forgotten that too much freedom can lead to self-destruction. Absolute freedom is what animals have--no rules, no restrictions! If you really want freedom then the biggest obstacle is religion and second to that is your daily life routine. Look at these Americans, imprisoned in their own life's routine. Working like machines. They are caged in their jobs. And then they think it’s the PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS…They have ruined their nation with the idea of freedom. Freedom and discipline never go together. One must be taken away to allow the other. Partial freedom is understandable but absolute freedom just means chaos. and that is exactly what America is going through.

Brothers! THE STRENGTH

I was just thinking about my brothers. I mean, I do sometimes hate them but thats what siblings are all about. Us three brothers are the best combination ever. We are the strength of the family. My elder brother is THE LEADER and THE RESPONSIBLE. I am the INTELECTUAL NERD. While the youngest one is the one who LISTENS TO HIS HEART. That does sound like some superhero group but I would call it the GANG, hahahah. We strengthen each other. I would die for them and they would die for me. I AM SURE OF THAT!
I would prefer having a painful death than to see my family and brothers in pain. I am not scared of death but I am scared for my brothers. If ever anything happens to them, I will topple the whole world. yeah, I know I sound like some philosophical, dumb superhero but that is how I think. I can see the future and what we will become. I can see and I am not planning to share that even with my pen and trusted diary. Its something between me and my brothers which I cannot even reveal to my loyal, secret diary and pen!

BROTHERS! WE WILL DO IT!

WHAT NEXT?

Yet another bomb blast! WHY?

I woke up this Sunday morning with a really bad dream about my loved ones dying. It surely was disturbing. I woke up at 7.30 am and called home. We talked about my life in America and the weather and my busy life here. I felt relaxed after that 15-minute call. We left for church at 8.30 am and the day proceeded normally. An Indian lady in church came to me and said SHEHROZ, IS YOUR FAMILY SAFE? THERE WAS A BOMB BLAST IN PESHAWAR. I said I TALKED TO THEM THIS MORNING AND THEY DIDNT TELL ME ANYTHING BUT THEY ARE ALL FINE. I thought this blast was another of those small fireworks common in my city. I was wrong. Out of curiosity and a desire to have some news of my city, I checked online news. GROUND SLIPPED FROM BENEATH MY FEET! The blast was on a Shiite Mosque of my village. A hotel owned bu my village was also affected. MY BELOVED ONES HAD INDEED DIED! My dream flashed before my eyes and my eyes got cloudy. I could just see innocent people burning, blood and unrest! I could feel my body fill up with acid and corroding me from inside. I WAS CRYING AND ANGRY AND SORRY AT THE SAME TIME. Now, another blast will take place soon because this is how my foolish land works: REVENGE!

A day before Eid. A day before poor will be fed and clothed. A day before everyone would smile and laugh and meet friends and relatives. A day before sheeps, goats and cows would be sacrificed. A day before joy, MY people have to see blood and sacrifice of their loved ones. For how long will this carry on? HOW FAR? HOW MUCH? I have seen so much blood, heard so many loud bomb blasts and have felt the experience of being the son of a person who survived two bomb blasts that my heart has become harder and my emotions are drying up. I can sleep in any noise, can see any blood and flesh and feel any sense of fear and danger that no other can do. My mind right now is full of some really depressing scenes that I think I am living a dream.

I fee so paralyzed right now because I can do nothing for my country. I am young, inexperienced and powerless yet full of determination and anger! ALLAH SAVE MY COUNTRY and ALLAH SAVE MY PEOPLE FROM SELF-DESTRUCTION!

Eid-a time of fun, joy and EIDI...
Oh, how much I miss fighting with the elders and arguing to give us more eidi. How much i miss just diving into the dining table and creating a mountain of food on my plate. How much I miss killing myself by eating all those sweet dishes and bowls after bowls of Kheer. How much I miss the over-crowded roads of Peshawar and people swearing at each other in Pushto. How much I miss the bright lights of Qissa Khwaani Bazaar, City Towers and the Chaand Raat at PC. How much I miss having fun!
My idea of Eid is not going to school and giving two tests. Its not at all getting tonnes of homework and sitting all day trying to nail them. Its not at all sitting all day and recalling memories with moist eyes.
I will go back one day and ask Pakistan, "Did you miss me? I missed you alot!"

Friendless and lonely in an alien land, I struggle hard to survive. Everything is so different; so expected yet it got me. I thought I was hard and strong, but I am not. You can truly realize your inner strength only when you go through tough and difficult times. I miss my family, I miss my friends. I have a family here and I have some friends here, but I cannot talk my heart to them. I cannot explain my feelings and thoughts to them. My family misses me and cries when they talk to me. I do not cry. I want to but I don’t. This is the most difficult thing in the world; to not to cry when you are seriously hurting inside. I do not cry because I don’t want others to cry. I put on a smile to conceal my true misery and no one is around me to understand my true inside feelings. No friends. No family members. I am lonely. Miserable. Exhausted. Shocked. Confused.
I have been out of touch with some of my dearest friends who are on the same piece of land but miles apart. They call me, as honest and loyal friends do. But I am ashamed to say that in last two months I never called them. What is happening to me? Am I becoming selfish? Is this new land changing me? Or is it just one of those times in my life when I don’t have time to even contact my friends and family? Whatever it is, I am ashamed. highly ashamed.
I miss my friends. The true and loyal friends. During these days I have got some worse shocks of my life. My friends back home forsake me. Left me when I needed them most. Left me when I truly was alone. Left me even when I never left them in their difficult time. But the friends i made in last four months turned out to be humans. loyal friends indeed.
I am truly lonely. Miserable. Shocked. Confused.

I Love Pakistan

I love Pakistan but I hate everything in it. I hate the government and I hate the people for electing such a government. I hate the WAPDA and KESC and I hate the people running it. I hate the mobile companies and I hate it when I have to make an urgent call and there is no service. I love Pakistan a lot but partly due to our ignorance and negligence we have pushed it towards destruction. I am just another frustrated Pakistani looking forward to get myself heard and that is why I have decided to pen everything that comes to my mind.
Let us start with our government. Everyone scream a lot when injustice is done to them by the government but no one acts. In every discussion we do not forget to abuse the government but has anyone really stood up to defend himself? NO ONE! We talk and talk and talk but practically do nothing. We have elected them and we can easily fight them too if only we unite. But NO! We are just a bunch of ignorant fools who sit around and think that some savior will fall from the sky and save us. Now, we elected such a useless government ourselves. Just look at them! People are dying here and they are busy bringing back the judges and removing the president. When a poor laborer dies of hunger and thirst no one notices. No one cares. But when a useless politician gets slapped the whole media show it twenty-four hours as if he has been continuously slapped thousand times. What is this? A game that which news channel shows it the most and from a better angle? Now, why the heck are politicians craving to depose the president? Can’t you guys just first solve the country’s problems and then get on with your personal grudges? A poor farmer gives a damn about who rules the country. He just wants clothes, shelter and food. Nothing else. No industries. No politics. No foreign affairs. No media.
Then comes our beautiful country’s energy crisis. Pakistan was born 60 years ago and still it can’t stand on its own feet. Whose fault is it? Our leaders? Na! It’s our fault for choosing such people to be our leaders. Our country has everything it needs to compete with any other nation; it just lacks good leaders and unity. Some people say that this entire energy crisis is due industrial growth. Why couldn’t they think of it before that every new factory will need extra energy? They do act worse than idiots! I damn care about new industries when there is no light in hot summers with my O’level exams going on. At night, I would sit with four torches and try studying with blood-thirsty mosquitoes constantly buzzing around my ears. I felt like blowing up WAPDA, KESC and National Assembly. I still can’t imagine how I stopped myself from committing suicide. Even if one extra light in every army house and government building is turned off I think 40% of the energy crisis can be solved. The rest we can beg from other countries like we always did. It’s a common thing for Pakistan to beg from other countries because it is surviving only on the shoulders of other nations who use and exploit Pakistan and further weaken its legs.
Now let’s talk about lack of quality check and control in our country. Take example of mobile companies. I was stuck in the middle of nowhere and guess what, MY MOBILE WAS WORKING! Isn’t that amazing? NO! I tried calling my parents mobile and the irritating voice of a girl (The number who have dialed is not available please try later) aggravated my anger. My parents had their mobile with them all the time in the middle of a busy city where all comforts of life should have been easily available. But to my BAD LUCK there was some technical fault and there area was not receiving mobile service. Why would I want a mobile with network coverage throughout Pakistan when it doesn’t even work properly in my own big city? One more thing, why is it that whenever I call someone I am charged double than whatever should be charged? Thanks to all those increase in taxes of thousand kinds! I wonder where all that tax money goes? I know the answer but I still wonder. Furthermore, a few days back I went to an army shop and bought some groceries for my home. Later, I found out that a common general store was selling stuff at cheaper rates then that army shop. Where should I go to get justice? Judges are busy shouting about the so-called injustice done to them. I think they deserved it all!
God save us. And God save Pakistan!

Fable of a King Forgotten

Now I can peacefully die
And in my grave comfortably lie
‘Cause in this world I did my part
With all my might and all my heart
I helped the poor and the needy
Fought the tyrants and the greedy
I learned a lot and taught a lot
Every battle I bravely fought
No power could oppose my sword
No speech could overpower/subdue my word
I brought peace and justice
And everywhere prevailed prosperity and happiness
What more could one nation ask?
I faced and accomplished every task
But the Angel of Death rebuked me
Because I had neglected my family
Oh no! How could that be?
Alas! I cannot die peacefully
Angel of Death please grant me one more day
I’ll be indebted of you may
I know I am being selfish
But before death it is my last wish
I want to kiss and hug them
And to express that I love them
Won’t you grant the wish of a dying man?
Will you let all my deeds and hard work go in vain?
The Angel said: I can’t give you one more day!
‘Cause in this matter I don’t have any say
It is God’s will and wish
That your name perish
From the heart of your family
It is God’s plan!
So, let it be!