The Crumbling Empire...

A man who once commanded a whole ship with a crew in hundreds, now lay all alone on a hospital bed. The man who was proud and independent, now had to depend on others to help him sit up. A man with a mountain of knowledge, now didn't even know that he had been spending nights in a hospital. A man with the farsightedness of a telescope, now had an eye that didn't function at all. Life can be very unfair at times. Daddy is alive but his essence has declined. He is weak and he is not the same anymore. 

Every Mighty Empire has experienced a downfall. For many, the crumbling away of an empire is nothing short of a story that moistens their eyes. But daddy's final decline made me sob and scream. I had to cry all alone. I had to hide and cage my emotions while everyone is busy taking care of daddy. I had to help them too, but my hands and feet are paralyzed. I refuse to believe that he is just a mortal. I refuse to see him in this condition. I simply refuse. 
But I need to cry, I need to scream, I need to hit my head on a wall. I need daddy. I need him to get out of his bed and walk me around the house. I need him to do his magic again and squeeze out a whole bar of chocolate from my ears. I need him to sit with me on the lunch table and repeat all his stories and adventures. I need him to stand proud and hug me when I succeed in life. I need him to attend my future high achiever's ceremony. I need him to approve a girl for me after telling me all the stories about his girlfriends. I need him to sit with me and watch baywatch with me again.

But more than anything, I need him to live forever.

Even now as I write this, I get up to wipe my tears and daddy speaks in his half sleepy condition, "Shehroz, Sardi toh nahi lag rahi?"

(Shehroz, are you cold?)

Areesha be the awesomest...

Areesha of Me, Myself and I wrote this for my new blog:

"Most of you might know Oz from Oz and Life... but I bet you guys haven't been following his new blog: I am Grateful for.... How do I know that? Simple, HE HAD TWO FOLLOWERS! People, follow his blog! Bas end of story, no questions asked! 

Oz, I'm surrounded by people who're depressed all the time, and yes I'm included in that list. When I read your posts, I feel grateful. Thank you for making such an awesome blog. Yes, I am giving you all these awards because they're true."

And then she gave me the following 11 awards here:

In response to all this I have the following to say:

I have been blogging for quite some time now. And and and never been awarded like this. Thank You soooooo much Areesha for this. It actually encourages me to keep writing more and more because at one point when there were NO followers I decided to just stop posting :-p

But then people started trickling down into the blog. And I'm so glad to have come across your blog and get a peek into your life. I am honored :-) and you are AWESOME.

This is so awesome, and I have never been more pumped up about blogging than before. More stuff coming up. I apologize for this long inactivity.

And best of luck Areesha :-)

A Deceiving Smile

(I apologize for my very long absence. I was/am very busy in some important life changing factors. Wish me luck.)

Yesterday, I attended a wedding. I saw many people smiling. A smile-such a beautiful phenomenon.
However, this "smile" is a very powerful thing.

A smile can hide many sorrows. A smile can hide many tensions and depressions. A smile can hide hatred and jealousy.
Above all, a smile can hide HYPOCRISY.

A wedding full of  smiles. A wedding full of hypocrites. Amazing.

Awesome Gadgets

I have started organizing my life. Thanks to some very important life lessons I learnt from my own failure. 

I love an application in my iPad-2 that helps me organize every important thing in my life. To-Dos and tasks as well as scheduling. Thank you Apple and Steve Jobs for this amazing piece of technology that is extremely addictive.

P.S: I am not showing-off so don't jayluss :-p

An Advice to All...

A word of advise to my friends (Yes, You all are my friends). 

Do not make long term goals without any achievable milestones in between. Either make short term goals or make one long term goal with several milestones in between. These milestone should divide hour journey into very small pieces and become like your short term goals. 

I am saying this out of experience. I have noticed that to succeed we must be able to see our goal in front of us. The sight of the goal will keep us motivated and charged up even if we fall. On the other hand, if our long term goal is so far away that we cannot see it, then it won't take long before we lose touch with it. We will eventually lose contact, lose hope and give up. Furthermore, if we fall, it would become extremely hard and painful to get back up. Another useful thing about having milestones or short term goals is that if in case we cannot achieve that goal due to any number of unfortunate reasons, we will have enough room for change. We will only need to reroute, recalculate and make small changes to get back on track towards success. 

Cheers. Wish you a successful life.  

My Eye Hurts :-/

Got beaten up pretty bad. Bruised my left eye as well got a blood clot inside the same eye. The typical cartoon-type bruise on the eye (purple eye) when someone gets punched. It feels as if someone drove a nail inside my head and keeps moving it back and forth. I have a few other bruises on my head and body but none as bad as the eye.

This happened around 3:20 pm yesterday near Roots when I was helping some friends move from one hostel to another. End story is that I punished those who hurt me in my own ingenious way. They will never forget the punishment they received for hurting me. I won't give out the details because I'm tired of repeating the same story again and again. It is the afterthoughts that I want to share.


I saw how people can be so heartless in their worldly affairs. I saw the extent to which they could be selfish. I also saw the lack of intelligence in many people. I further saw the extreme case of paranoia some people go through. This world is full of pathetic, imhumane idiots who deserve to be called nothing above Animals. The reason why Pakistan or even this world suffers is because of the type of humans I mentioned above. This world needs a global reform. More crucial than that; Pakistan needs a complete revolution as well as an evolution.


This post may not make sense to you but I'm in too much pain to think straight.


Oh, and by the way, I look really cool with this injury. Kinda Sexy. Sometimes I look like a flesh-hungry Zombie and sometimes I look like one of those Hollywood Werewolves about to transform into a blood-thirsty monster. HAWT ;-) :-p


Bye fellas. One last thing: Should get I an Eye-Patch and look Cooler?

Changing Beliefs...

I have always been more of a you-make-your-own-destiny kinda guy. I did believe in Fate to an extent but I believed we had more control over our lives. I always thought that we make our own future. I always thought we were not governed by a pre-decreed law but reaped what we sowed. The stronger my belief in all this was the more I was contradicted by the story of my own life. 

Now, I am having some major changes in my belief system.

An Alien in an Alien Land

Something unusual happened last month. It affected me to my core. 

I was in Islamabad for the weekend and went to spend the night with a relative who is in the army. Some suspicious activity at the base alerted the whole security team and my relative had to go to deal with it. After a while he called me to help him out in interpreting a suspect they caught around the base who could speak no other language but Persian. I know basic Persian and I was ready to help but I did not know what lay just few minutes ahead of me. 

The guy they caught wore a torn shalwar kameez. His shalwar (trouser) was completely torn and his kameez (shirt) was torn off from certain places. He was around 35 or 40 years old and had a light skin. This bearded person had medium height and had the features of a Tajik/Uzbek of the former USSR with small eyes, hard facial construction and strong built. It took 6 army officers to hold him down while I asked him questions. 

Every time he answered my basic questions in Persian, and I would convey it to the officers, the soldiers would beat him. Whatever he said was considered a lie because his answers were quite insane. How can a guy from a separate part of the world end up in front of an army base in the middle of Pakistan? Something was wrong. He had NO money and NO ID. He could not speak Urdu or any other language spoken in Pakistan (except for Persian and very basic Pushto) and he was here. The part that disturbed ME the most was when he was being beaten. His cries and his screams were killing me. But I knew it was necessary. He was avoiding many of my questions but after some strong beating he started giving me good, but still vague, answers. 

Beating was a necessity in such a situation. Being a person who fails to express his emotions many times, I could not control my emotions and decided to make up answers of my own to help this alien get out of misery. But, I could not do that. It was a matter of security and I must realize my responsibility of working for the greater good. I just did what the officers told me to. At such a point in life, one must remain as objective as possible while caging those soft emotions for the moment. 

Then later, as I pondered over the whole situation, it did depress me. If you look at it this way, the guy was from a remote area of the world with nothing even close to the words "technology" or "modern -life." These people can be easily fooled or easily impressed by something as simple as a Pen. They only live on whatever the earth offers in their area. They eat simple and dress simple. They sometimes have never even seen a television set or a car. Read books by Greg Mortensen to get an idea how it is like in such parts of the world. They are physically strong because they eat pure food and do manual labor. After keeping all this in mind, put yourself in his shoes. Imagine being in a land with uniformed guards with guns and not being able to understand them. Then imagine being beaten up. You have no money and no documents. You don't even have relatives and you think that these people with guns may kill you. 

The end result was that the guy was found to be a victim of fraud. Someone had promised him job and money in Pakistan and smuggled him here through mountains. He was fooled and his money was taken. Humans are pathetic. Worse than animals. The reason why he was not telling me the truth was that he feared we may kill him as he had broken many laws to come to Pakistan. Of course we would never kill someone just like that. I had to assure him he would not be shot dead and must cooperate to ensure his safe return to his own country. He did cooperate at last and was sent back after verification. 

We are so insignificant. And there are so many inhuman acts happening all around the world. Dear friends, please step out of your air-conditioned lives and see the atrocities of the world. Learn from it. Condemn it. Wake up and fight those who may call themselves humans but are worse than animals. And friends, realize the fact that we are very insignificant but our actions may have a huge impact on this world. You are insignificant but you are powerful. Rise up.

Peace. 

I Am Grateful For... a new blog

Dear Friends and Followers,

I have started a new life project to list down all the things I am Grateful for. I will write one thing every day (at least try to). I would appreciate it if you follow it and tell your friends to follow it too.

The webpage is:

www.shehrozandgratitude.blogspot.com

You can also click on the title and it will take you there :-)

Thank you and love you all :-)

Grandmother :-D

Grandmothers are the cutest creatures on Earth. Their love and affection is matchless but their cranky mood can destroy mountains and dry out rivers!  I love my grandmother and I believe so does everyone else. I was just a couple weeks old when my grandparents "adopted" me from my parents. There were a gazillion people who criticized my parents for letting this happen. But they made me what I am today. My grandmother spoiled me to the core. I love her.  Grandmothers Zindabad!!!

Fallen

(I am posting after a long gap because I don't know. Do not mind the gloomy tone of this post)


I have kept my emotions locked inside my chest since so many days (30 days to be more precise). I have to keep them caged in the abyss of my chaotic self. I must do this. For my family. And for my self. These emotions are corroding me from inside. Slowly eating me like termites consuming soft, moist wood. Unbearably Painful. If I let them out, it will spread through this Earth like a plague. They will ride to every corner of the world on black smoke and doom every living creature to eternal torture.  Whatever I write will not make sense to you because it is not even making sense to me. My hands are writing but I do not know how to express Or WHAT to express. Malady. Yes. Total insanity. Undoubtedly.

All was almost perfect. Things were going smooth on the front- seat of the roller coaster of my life. Posters here. Articles there. Advises here. Suggestions there. Anxiety here. Dreams there. My life was very bling-bling. Everything was sparkly and shiny. And then THAT hit me. Hit me with full fury like a cavalry smashing with the shields of enemy soldiers. BAM. That is when I lost it. It is the DARK AGE in the history of my memories.

And when the dreams fall crashing on you like shards of glass from a billion broken windows. That is when you realize that there are so many questions without any answers. You come so close to it and then everything just breaks into pieces. It's like when you hold a beautiful rose, you love it for a couple of days. But when you hold it a few days later, it simply disintegrates right in your hand. It's beauty lost. It's magic gone. The sky weeps. The wind wails. The earth moans. Is there a way out? And escape from this flesh and an exit from this world? Freedom forever?

I do not know what the future holds for me. I do not know if I will ever be able to rise again and mount on my horse of life to fight again. Do I have enough strength? I do not know. 

People Judge People

 

A few minutes ago, something happened that has added to my already heavy conscience. I saw a bunch of people in authority gang up on a single person for something he did a day ago and I never spoke a word. What he did was wrong! AGREED.
But…

It is funny how a bunch of over-hyper attention seekers can successfully market their own opinion. It is funnier how even wise people fall for this trap and believe on rumors with no objective evidence. HOW UNJUST!The funniest part is that these people in authority think that they know everything but in fact they are just a toy to be played around with.

I am not taking sides because I never do, all I ask from this world is this: STOP BEING JUDGEMENTAL FOR GOD’S SAKE! You cannot imagine how many hearts you have broken just because you misunderstood the whole scenario thanks to your ignorance. I never judge till I have equally heard both sides of the story, but people in this world do not do that! What a beautiful world we live in. Thank you very much. Please, get lost!

The House of Lost Glory

(The following refers to my house. But it also refers to my ancestors and family.)

This is the story of a house. A house that once stood strong and proud. A house that had power and resources. But now, this house has lost its glory. It has lost its influence and power. It has lost its strength. This house now stands divided with hundreds of holes in its body.

This was MY house. A few days  ago, a bomb blast across the road severely damaged it. Cracked walls, shattered glass, blown away doors, broken windows, damaged frames, dust, smoke, dread and what not!

It is extremely depressing to enter your house without a door. More depressing to see everything lying broken on the floor. Much more depressing to realize that this house stood strong for the last 30 years.

The builders are too old now, the new generation is too young and busy. Who will rebuild the house? Who will restore it to its lost glory? The name must carry on. The glory must be revived. The lineage must continue! The family must rise again!

 

Little Beautiful Things

Oh that swift morning breeze,
The sound of those rustling leaves.
Beauty is everywhere;
Open your eyes and it will become all clear.

Those Little Miracles

 

Who is God? Where is God?

I once got slightly confused when I tried to answer these questions. I would ponder for hours trying to make sense out of everything but then I gave  up because I realized that I was going insane. One night I was so disturbed that I  cried and asked the sky above me, “If you are really up there Oh God, then prove it to me! Show me a sign! Tell me that you Exist! Help me! Guide me! Answer my questions! I AM GOING MAD!”

I never got a reply from God in the form of a huge paranormal miracle or a hard copy of a letter from the sky or even an Email. I was just being too dumb and too naive. Soon, I started seeing these small miracles around me. I started seeing these little signs here and there that slowly answered all my questions. I was seeing things I had never seen before. I was seeing those Little Miracles all around me. And that was the instance I realized that God is really up there.

Miracles are everywhere. You just need to have an eye for them. I started having these dreams in which I would be warned of upcoming dangers and would be given a solution for it. Everything was in codes and secret messages and I just had to focus to unlock them. I did. And then I started seeing miracles not only in my dreams but in my real life too. Starting with that laughter of a baby who was being bounced up and down by his father. That innocent laughter. Dripping with magic so strong that even the worst of moods could be set right with that charming laughter of that pure baby. Miraculous. Nature’s medicine to cure depression.

Then, I looked outside my window and saw a bird making a nest in a tree. It was a miracle how a small bird could make a home for itself all alone using nothing but small twigs and grass.

Then I saw how a laborer was lifting heavy weights with super-human strength. He had to feed his family and the miracle was in his determination to do that!

I further saw many small and unnoticed miracles all around which strengthened my belief in God.

A Toast of Whiskey

 

In 2008, I met a girl named Mehwish Zuberi from Islamabad. I barely talked to her and she hated me for no apparent reason. NO APPARENT REASON!!! So that pretty much tells you how weird this girl is.

Little did we know that someday we will become BESTFRIENDS or ChuddyBuddies as we like to call ourselves. We became the Alcohol Duo: Whiskey and Vodka. And we became the Pant-Stealers! And the Dentonic pair! And the tekeela-shakeela! And the Waheed Murad Couple. If you don’t know us then you will not understand much about us. I don’t care if you don’t understand whatever I am sharing in this post because this post is actually dedicated to my partner in crime, Mehwish Zuberi. She knows all my secrets and I know she will wake up in the middle of the night to help me in any trouble. She is my personal advisor and counselor. She is my conscience. Whenever I am indulged in depressing thoughts or dying with confusion, she has always pulled me out of that! YOU ARE AWESOME! We both make a deadly combination! I will always be there for you…

Now, she is on her way to the Land of the Cool people: LUMS. I don’t have much of a problem with that except that we will be separated! The Twins will go their separate ways and who knows when they will meet again! She will become part of the cool crowd while I will remain a not-so-nerdy-looking nerd.

Haye, the vodka and whiskey will be distilled into two separate bottles and shipped to two different drunkards. The thought of it is depressing. But, God bless Mark Zuckerberg for Facebook!!! We shall never part in cyber-space.

Mehwhiskey, do not forget your end of the deal regarding LUMS! Otherwise, I shall steal back the lucky pants from you!

PS: We may behave like brother and sister, but WE ARE NOT. We are not related at all. She shall never be my sister.

Rainy Peshawar

(Just another of those random 2-minute creations.)

It all starts with a “tip tip tip” like a baby tip-toeing on cold marble floor.
Then it increases to a “sharr sharr sharr” like a coin jar toppled over.
A whiff of wet soil rises up in the air.
The aroma of wet leaves spread everywhere.

The cloud grunts and rumbles.
The mountain and valley grumbles.
The kids jump under the falling stars,
Forgetting all the sorrows and closing open scars.

This is how it rains in my city so divine.
Washes all the dirt and removes all the swine.
Purifies the streets of all the disease and blood,
Its wrath can turn into an unforgiving, revengeful flood.

A Driver’s Life

A person can learn a lot just from driving on a busy road on a hot sunny day. Driving can give some really valuable lessons on living one’s life…efficiently and to the best!

Just like in life, on the road the driver must remain cautious and alert at all times. He must look around and anticipate every move of the other car drivers around him. He must look through the window of the car in front of him to estimate and calculate the movement of the car in front of that! He must listen to every noise and distinguish the useful from the useless. While driving at a high speed, he must watch out for any pedestrian and carefully notice every muscle of that pedestrian’s body to predict his/her next move. Yes, a driver must be in his highest state of alert mind.

With all this stress on the brain and body, a driver must also enjoy the music that is playing on the radio. He must entertain himself with whatever is around him and enjoy his drive. This driver must appreciate the beauty that lines the road; admire the scenery; gasp at the might of the mountains; smile at the majesty of the flowing river. A driver must also realize that the person sitting on his passenger seat is also on the same journey as him and feels the same. He should also realize that he must take care of and respect every human being on the road as they are also on their own journeys of life!

Sometimes, the car air-conditioning stops working and it gets hot. It can specially get unbearable when the car comes to a halt at a red-light. The driver must remain patient and keep his head cool no matter what happens. This driver may also face hindrances in his journey in the form of a traffic jam or a punctured tire but he must keep his head and think rationally at all time. He must hold on to his sanity and perseverance. He must remain steadfast.The driver must not give up.

Sometimes, the journey may get too long and tiresome with constant hurdles, but the driver must not stop. He must drive on. The destination may be just one turn away. He must push himself just a little longer and reach his destination. He MUST drive on. No matter what. He. Must. Drive. On…

Baba Again…

Delirium.
And no, you are not to live life on the safe side. No, the goal is not to get out of this life unhurt and with a beautiful, pristine heart.
When you go to God, all that you have for Him to see is a heart tarnished and ripped, bleeding because it has lived to the extreme, aching because it has lived to the extreme; exuberant, winged, proud at its fallen state, sheepish perhaps but never, ever ashamed. So that when He sees your heart, he can see not the traces, but the live scars of a life well-lived.
Be hungry. Know that your heart and soul are not the porcelain dolls in your living room. They are the battle, and they are the warriors, and they are the haul. They are to be the casualty, over and over again.
Source: http://saagandparanoia.blogspot.com/2011/01/delirium.html

Now, when I read this, my deep respect for my father increased ten-folds. He is one person I know who has lived his life clean but full of hardships. When he goes to God, he will have a “a heart tarnished and ripped, bleeding because it has lived to the extreme.” When he goes to God, God will see not the traces, but the live scars of a life well-lived. I am not exaggerating but telling the evident truth. I admire him not as a FATHER but as a HUMAN BEING. He fought to bring a change for his people. He failed. He fought again and failed again. And again. And again. Then he struggled to provide us with the best of everything. Struggled. Still struggling. He tried so much so that he did not worry about his life and jumped into the deadly world of politics for his people and for his family. Whoever I meet, all I hear is that DR RIAZ HAS A CLEAN HEART BUT A CARELESS TONGUE. Yes, he has a Careless Tongue which makes him all the more special. He speaks his mind out and is never hypocritical. An innocent man by nature. He is one person who deserves to be confronted with God with tarnished and ripped heart but not ashamed. NOT ASHAMED.

I wish I could stand by him in the same condition. I wish I could be attacked and almost killed for helping my people. Twice. I wish I could get nervous break-downs with the thought of my family’s future. I wish I could stand by him neck to neck in front of God and say: I DID WHAT I COULD!

I wish. I wish I could be like him. But I know that I will never be able to reach his shoulders. I know that I will never have a heart as strong as his. I know that I will never have the strength he has. I know that I will never match his determination. And I lastly, I know I will never come even closer to the Love he has for his people and family. For me, he is a Living Legend.

That Hot Shower…

 

There is something about that hot water stream splashing on your head that gets you all thinking; thoughts about life and death, love and hate, past, present and future flow into your veins as if they are a part of your rushing blood. Thoughts become Blood. It is funny how hot shower is the source of many of my essays and speeches and realizations. A billion questions spring up in the shower.

Today, in the shower I reflected upon my past and present. I reflected upon all that had happened to me in my more than 18 years of life. And at everything that happened to me I would ask these questions: Why Me? What if?

D and F

(So this is my first post of the year 2011. And I dedicate it to someone who has always stood beside me in every thick and thin--Osama Malik)

 

So, I remember the first time we met during the YES Visa Interviews. I never knew that among all the guys there, this one particular guy would become my best friend. One random day I text him something and his reply was “Who the fuck are you?”
Not a very nice way I say to myself so I replied, “I am the fucker who was with you in the Visa Interviews!”
That is where our bumpy journey started. The journey of a deep friendship.

In USA when I had no one to talk to and when I was in deepest shit and had no friends, it was Osama who guided me out of the whole shit! It was Osama whose e-mails pulled me out of misery. YES, the credit for my success in USA goes to Osama.

Then, even in Pakistan, he always stood beside me during every depressing and foggy phase of my life. Osama would listen to me for hours and hours and give me strength to carry on. Only he understood me. We would bitch about people and we would gossip but never were my secrets revealed to anyone else.

 

Dude, I know I can’t write a humorous post about the funny times we had together because I am not good in writing but whatever I have written has come from my heart. I may call you a “Chick” now but remember that I am just kidding. I may tease your ‘certain someone’ but you know that I never mean it. I hope you forgive me for everything and anything I have done that may have hurt you and you could not point that out to me.

BEST OF LUCK FOR 2011 AND STAY THE SAME BRO.
Remember: D n F.

And I dream on…

Butterflies in my stomach…Its been a very long time since I experienced that. A very long time. The last time must be in my 3rd grade when I had to compete in a debate competition and I was shit scared. I have come a long way since then. The butterflies in my stomach died long ago except for a couple who would occasionally flutter their wings on certain events like standing on stage or waiting for my result or leaving for USA or falling in love. But never did they flutter again in a massive number in my stomach like that 3rd grade debate competition long ago.

But all of a sudden those many dead butterflies have found life again and their wings have increased in span.Yes, they flutter again. They flutter like crazy. Butterflies in my stomach.

I had always dreamed big. I had always dreamed far. I had always written down on my every notebook’s first page the following phrase: I aim high to reach not only the sky but go beyond!

I GOT INTO OXFORD. Yes, I took a huge leap and I am quite close to my ultimate goal. My ultimate aim of life is somewhat a secret even to me. I even do not know what I will eventually become but I do know that my ultimate target is to be someone so great that pages of history will be proud to have me in its pages. Yes, I am a dreamer. I dream on. I dream that one day I will accomplish my deeply childish dreams…Yes, I dream on like a small child…

With butterflies in my stomach, I dream on…

Fate? Or something like it?

 

Fate works in strange ways. It closes a billion doors on you but opens one huge door better than all the combined closed doors. I have always believed in a somewhat very complicated theory of Fate devised by me. I always believed some part of our Fate was in our own hands. But parts are completely out of our hands. I would not go into that but I will tell you how fate “PLAYED” with my life and then gave me a huge compensation. Gave me something better or more like GAVE ME THE BEST!

My dream was to go to MIT. I had a perfect profile. I had everything I needed to get into MIT. EVERYTHING. Except for one thing: SAT score. I was always successful in everything that I did. I thought I was invincible. I thought I would win it straight and clean once again this time. But like I said: Fate works in strange ways. I got a pathetic SAT score. My dreams crashed and burned. I was devastated. Depressed. Suicidal. My first failure, my first fall from the horse, my first eye-opener hurt more than anything. I heard somewhere that DEATH is very painful. I felt the pain equal to DEATH.

Fate works in strange ways my friends. Before my SAT, I was “forced” to apply to UK universities including University of Oxford. I applied but I knew that Oxford was an impossible dream so I never paid attention to it. I always focused on MIT. But now MIT had to wait till I get back on the horse and try again. I did not even feel like getting back on the horse. I felt miserable. In immense Pain. But something happened and my life changed again. I fell once but I was lifted up so high that I could never imagine that! I thought flying so high would be impossible but my Acceptance from University of Oxford took me all the way to Cloud 9 and BEYOND! Yes, I AM GOING TO OXFORD. “THE OXFORD!”

I am one of the 6 lucky students Brasenose College of Oxford University accepts every year to study Electrical Engineering.

FATE WORKS IN STRANGE WAYS ONLY TO BENEFIT US.

Something is NOT right!

I write whenever I am over-flowing with emotions. These emotions find their way out through a carefully chosen set of words.And today I write again but I don’t know what those emotions are. They are just something inside me bubbling to find their way out. I don’t know what those emotions are. I just don’t know. It just doesn’t feel right. I don’t know and these emotions can’t find the right words. My hands are typing NOTHING. No meaningful words. Nothing. I just don’t know. I feel helpless.

Life is just not fair…

I am a Canary Bird, against the furious gale, flying…
I am a Canary Bird crying, struck down hard…
Did not see it coming, was busy singing…
But knew that the fall will hurt, in the heart!

Life is never fair at a time when you really need it to be. You put in so much effort into something and then you just see all your efforts wash away right when you start believing that Life is favoring you; right when you believe that Luck is on your side. “Luck” is an interesting concept. It has a will and soul of its own. Untamed. Wild. Arrogant. Apathetic. In short: Luck is a bitch. She will leave you for someone else right when you need it. She will make you feel like you are THE ONE and then she will let you fall down and will not even give a shit.

Till few days ago, I felt invincible. I felt undefeatable. I felt powerful. I had too many moments of success one after the other. I came out victorious in every venture I undertook. I wanted this to go on for just a little longer. I was at the most crucial point in my life. And then it dawned on me that good things never last forever. I started realizing that I must learn to “fall” otherwise my first fall would be devastating for me. I never knew my first fall would come so soon. I was not prepared. I was taken by surprise. Alas, the fall destroyed me. It destroyed me from inside. Killed me. And then the second fall pushed me further down.

Yes, Luck abandoned me. I fell. My first fall. And then the second. I can’t get up no matter how hard I try. Unfair Life just ate me from inside like a termite of misery. It hurts. I am hollow. I am weak. No more invincible. Vulnerable. Defeated.

REALIZATIONS!

Last night was full of realizations. Some very pure realizations. And some very scary realizations.

Last week, my maternal uncle got into trouble with his work. His whole career was in jeopardy. This created an environment of tension and depression in our house. There was also a small fight between my maternal grandparents.

Yesterday, I got diarrhea. My grandmother asked me to put the newly-bought bottle of honey in the kitchen but due to an emergency call of nature I had to run to the bathroom and put the bottle on her bed-side table instead and forgot about it.

Last night, around 3 a.m., my uncle could not sleep because of anxiety and instead gets up to drink a glass of water. On the other hand, my diarrhea wakes me up too. My uncle sits outside my grandfather’s room to drink his glass of water and suddenly notices my grandfather struggling to walk out of the room. My uncle plunges forward to hold him by his shoulder and help him. Only words that were coming out of my grandfather’s trembling lips were: Mein Gaya, Mein Gaya, Mein Bas Gaya, Mujhe Apni Shaklein Dikhao, Mein Jaa Raha Hun (I am gone, I am gone, I am gone now, Show me your faces, I am going). Immediately, I run out from the room to help my uncle hold him and walk him to our room. We help him sit down on the bed.

“Sab ko bulao, mein unko dekhna chahta hun, mein jaa raha hun, bas mein gaya!" (Call everyone, I want to see them, I am going, I am gone!).
At that very moment, my crying grandmother sees the honey bottle and just pours some in my grandfather’s mouth. He was repeating the same sentence over and over again. Trying hard to hold back my tears, fighting hard to bury my emotions, I call my parents who arrive within five minutes. My grandfather hugs my grandmother and kisses her forehead and says, “Mein Gaya, Apna Khyal Rakhna!” (I am gone, Take care of yourself). At that instant, tears just break free from the invisible dam I had constructed around my eyes and rush down my cheeks. We give him a glass of water with honey mixed in it. And another spoonful of honey. He slowly slowly gains his energy and enters back into his senses. My father checks his blood pressure which is normal as well as his heartbeat which is normal too. Then, we check his blood-sugar level which was 2 units (even after all the honey we gave him). A normal sugar-level should be between 3.2 units and 6.4 units. At last, we figured what was wrong with him.

His blood-sugar level had dropped so much so that he thought he was dying. He was blacking out! His senses were dull and giving up. The random reflex of my grandmother to give him honey actually saved him. IF HE HAD FAINTED/PASSED-OUT, THE RESULT WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY UNPLEASANT AND UNFORTUNATE.

My purpose of writing this small, emotional incident was to analyze it and define how God designs our lives in such mysterious ways. YES, GOD EXISTS. He is sitting up their on His throne, carefully crafting every moment of our lives and inter-connecting them like threads of a web. Lets look at a list of some of the What-ifs:

1) If my uncle was not tensed about his work and career he would have been fast asleep and my grandfather would have passed out before reaching our room. No one would have known about him till morning.
2) If I did not have Diarrhea, my uncle would not have been able to walk him to the room without tripping over and falling.
3) If I did not have Diarrhea, the honey bottle would have been in the kitchen and no one would have thought about giving my grandfather something as sweet as honey.
4) If we had not given him honey, he would have passed-out and it would have been another long half-hour before we would have realized what was actually wrong with him (going to the hospital and the check-ups would have taken time).
5) If all this would not have happened, my grandparents would be still not talking to each other and our Eid would have been very depressing.

I realized that God is there. I realized that God always carefully designs our lives. I realized that all the events of our lives are inter-connected. I realized that nothing is random and there is no such thing as coincidence. But I also realized that my grandparents are old now. I realized that they are mortals. I realized that Life is never permanent. I realized how much we love each other. I realized how much we care for each other. I realized that I will be incomplete without my grandparents.

ALL THESE “RANDOM” EVENTS WERE SO WELL-COORDINATED AND PERFECTLY TIMED THAT THEY COULD NOT BE JUST COINCIDENCES. This proves the existence of an Absolutely Genius Designer and an Infinitely Skilful Creator. It is up to you to believe or not. I believe.

REVENGE

(This again one of my old poems from the Pre-USA era. This time it’s one of the completed ones.Although it was written years ago, this poem clearly reflects one of the incidents that happened recently in the last 4 months. Don’t ask me.)

What do you think?
You will get away with it?
Never, ever! I shall make sure
That you are punished and that you sink!

You came to me for forgiveness
And I forgave you.
Not knowing that you are a devil,
I struggled to protect and save you.

I gave you shelter and room.
I cared for you like a father.
But you betrayed me like a deceiver.
Now I shall push you to your doom!

The moon scorned me.
The sky turned away from me.
The stars spat on me.
And the Earth warned me.

But I never gave up on you.
I stood behind you.
And I kept pushing you.
And you pushed me too!

You pushed me from a cliff--
A cliff of my hopes and my hard work--
To the abyss of your mischief.
Now I shall pull you with me!

Where will you run now?
Where will you hide now?
TELL ME NOW!
AND TELL ME HOW!

MY Life

(I wrote this poem when I was in 8th Grade. Like all my old poems, this too is incomplete and I plan to keep it that way. I found this in an old dusty notebook I used to keep which had disappeared in the rubble of my busy life.)

My Life is a Story,
Full of Disappointments & Glory;
Full of Ups and Downs;
Full of Smiles and Frowns.
I experienced being a Fallen Warrior,
And sometimes a boring Story-teller.
Now I tell the story of My Life;
How I faced the world’s sword and knife,
Which defeated every man
But not me, as nothing can!

Starting as a Boy so Ordinary,
I began the first page of My Story.
I wrote and then I ripped it off.
It was about how I climbed the ladder of success,
And then how easily I fell off.
People know only about my success,
But don’t know the time I spent in distress…
…

(INCOMPLETE)

Beautiful Mess

It is a beautiful mess I got myself into.

Painfully sweet.

 

Changed me. Evolved me.

(During a small text-message discussion with my friend, the topic of CHANGE came up. She told me how a recent 10-day experience changed her completely. I replied: I have already changed in the past and I won’t anymore or at least anytime soon.)

After this, I tickled my thought-process to figure out what were the significant events that did change me and evolve me into an individual that I am today. When I look back, I find a Gazillion such small incidents.

My grandfather’s table-talks changed me and my grandmother’s caressing changed me. My mother’s hug changed me and my father’s love changed me.

Then comes my school life. My betraying friends changed me and my first crush changed me. My losing and winning changed me and my competitors’ dirty tricks changed me. My every success changed me and being the school HeadBoy changed me. Making new friends changed me and being betrayed again changed me. My teachers’ trust changed me and my best friend's perfidy changed me.

Blast on Baba’s election rally changed me and 70 people dying changed me. 200 injured people changed me and my father’s tears changed me. Another blast on my father’s car changed me and the story of his bloody body changed me. His survival and getting well changed me and seeing him once again changed me. Him losing the elections changed me and shattering dreams changed me. But him being alive and well changed me and his determination to fight again changed me.

Then winning the YES Scholarship to USA changed me and meeting 60 kids from all over Pakistan changed me. Ups and Downs changed me. Small laughs and fights changed me. New great friends changed me and their loyalty changed me.

Getting on that plane to USA changed me and my grandparents’ and parents’ tears changed me. My brothers’ tight hugs changed me. That long flight changed me. The DC nights changed me and finding a true best friend, Osama, changed me.

My loving Host Family changed me and the nice Church Folks changed me. The morning Starbucks changed me and the evening Iced Tea changed me. Those meal-discussions changed me and working in the yard changed me. Meeting 61 amazing kids from all over the world changed and my high school changed me. Finding my TWIN BROTHER MARCELO changed me and being best friends with the ASB President Luke Kneeshaw changed me. Those crazy car rides changed me and Chinese Fire Drills changed me. Stealing road-signs changed me and getting wrapped in Food Wrap changed me. Working at Scone Booth and Mariner’s game changed me and those visits to Federal Way Commons changed me. Watching SAW 5 with girls changed me and then being forced to watch Twilight in Cinema changed me. Pikes Place Market changed me and spotting hot girls changed me. The castle of Stadium High School changed me and the Prom Night changed me. That red Ruby Beatle changed me and that Hulla doll changed me.

Then, saying last goodbyes and knowing that I may never see them again changed me and the final hugs changed me. Those tears changed me and that depressing long flight back to DC changed me. Frustrations in DC changed me and the desire to run back to Seattle changed me. Hatred for some people in DC changed me and then comfort from family changed. Seeing my own home once again changed me and the end of American Adventure changed me. Old friends making fun of me changed me and their criticism of my being different changed me. Missing my foreign friends changed me and getting back to my old friends changed me. Osama’s constant support changed me and Roots College changed me. Working for flood victims and orphanages changed me and constant nostalgia because of my USA experience changed me. Seeing Pakistan deteriorate changed me and people’s ignorance changed me. Every success so far has changed me and winning the HeadBoy elections changed me.

YES, I am a changed person now. I have evolved into something you cannot comprehend.