My State of Mind

(When I was talking to my buddy Osama Malik we discussed love and relationships. Only he can understand what this poem actually means and what is veiled behind these words.)

I know it's you
I'm sure it's you
The one I‘ve been waiting for
The one I‘ve been dreaming for

Love? I never believed in.
Fun? All that is to life.
Then How did it happen?
I'm putting my wrist to knife?

Ozzy transformed
Shehroz long gone.
A new being in making.
Old habits breaking.

This new being, a boon?
Only if his heart satiated.
This new being, a bane?
If his love killed and mutilated.

A plague I will become.
My emotions will be numb.
Like a statue deaf and dumb.
For all. Specially for some.

A rising tide
With unbelievable might
None will Oppose me.
None can fight.

Save me. Set me right and neat.
In my making put some sweet.
Or there will be no more beauty.
But only the mighty beast.

Olden Golden Days of Sunshine in the Rainy State

(I wrote this while I was waiting for electrical power to come back. Images of USA life flashed before my eyes. In memory of all the beautiful people I met there.)

Alone. All alone.
In the darkroom.
Thinking over time,
Long passed and gone.

Those days of laughter.
Glittering diamond days.
Eyes full of tears,
During final departure.

I look back with longing.
Those beautiful people,
To be with them,
One final time, once again.

Life moves on fast
Like a horse with wings.
Now I know for sure,
Good times never last.

The Million Dollar Question?

“L.O.V.E is just another word [OZZY] never learnt to pronounce. (Starstrukk by 3OH!3)”

Few days ago, some friends of mine posed the ultimate question: Can Ozzy ever fall in love?

Everyone laughed and replied in the negative. Wow, that is not new. This is not the first time people judge people. And this is definitely not the first time OZfuckin’ZY and “love” and “relationships” have been discussed.

In last few months, something happened. Something unexpected. Something so UNOZZY-ISH. Ozzy fell in love?? Maybe. WHAT? SINCE WHEN? Ozzy himself does not know! It just happened. Happened just like that unheralded.

Yes, “I think” I am in love. In love with someone I have been spending time since October. It happened SLOWLY. But I am still not sure what is the difference between infatuation and love. That is why I am waiting before I take a step further. Plus, I don’t want to risk our friendship so maybe I will never make a move. OZZY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE IS NOT GOING TO MAKE A MOVE? No. Because she is just too innocent, just too simple, just too beautiful to deserve something like “Ozzy.”

I think I should know how to make love to something innocent without leaving my fingerprints out. (Starstrukk by 3OH!3)

Ozzy is changing too. No more flirting. No more playing. Which means that a time will come when Ozzy will CEASE TO EXIST. I have to make a decision after exams immediately. To sacrifice love or to sacrifice Ozzy. The ULTIMATE DECISION!

She is just too precious to lose. And that is why I will wait till the right time comes. For now, EXAMS ARE IMPORTANT for her as well as for me. But YES I am in love and it is the most painfully beautiful experience!

The Inside

I "LEARNT"
To Live With Strangers!
And
To Become A Part of Them!

Now I Want To
Live With My
Own Flesh And Blood,
With My Own Kith And Kin!
To "LEARN" To
Live With Them!

And To
Become A Part
Of THEM!

Bombs and Blasts and Blood!

That one blast took it all away
People die mothers cry every moment every day.

It was a city of joy and a city of fun
Now it's a city where most carry a gun.

It was a city of life and a city of lights
Now it's a city of dead and no more delights.

Same is the story of one survival
It cannot be put into words But I won't forget the fable.

Ask me not what this fable was
For he struggled and fought and lost for a mighty good cause.

All he wanted was to bring a change.
None supported him, calling him a fool and his ideology strange.

He still fought and fought bravely.
But the enemy opposed him with violence gravely.

A suicide bomber tried to bring him down. Many died
Miracles happen. He survived.

A second attempt to blow up his car was not foreseen.
His body bloody and only few helpers on the hostile scene.

He survived yet again. God is on the right side.
United we stand but why always we divide?

 

Dad I love you and will always remain by your side. I am ready to face the gruesome consequences. I am ready to die. For a death on battlefield will be far more sweeter than a death on bed. A death in action will be far more glorious than a silent death. A death for a cause will be far more honorable than a death in vain!

That Morning and That Gun!

As I leave the house front door one early morning, I can feel the
chilly wetness of the morning breeze on my cheeks. I hang the two shot-guns on my shoulder and step into the SUV. There is nothing more exciting than some serious, adventurous fun. There is nothing like hunting. Hunting not humans but animals.

It is said that like a woman's jewelry, a Pathan man's jewelry is
his gun or sword. And there is nothing more beautiful than a polished, shiny gun. It's beautiful cuts like the muscles of a horse. As you hold it in your hands, it fits in your palms like the reins of a horse and gives a sudden rush of unexplainable energy. You feel powerful. You feel wild.

A gun is not for every commoner. Not many people can cope with the
energy a gun provides and cannot handle the tremendous amount of that energy and thus lose their marbles. They go crazy.

Death of a Love

(This poem shows how complicated a simple love can become. A simple poem composed of simple words since i am no fancy poet.)

My world was dark.
And my life was gloomy.
All the happiness and joy
Went right through me.

Then a light shone far away
A light of hope and happiness
Piercing the darkness
And riding towards me.

As the light halted
A few spaces from me
My eyes squinted
But I could clearly see.

The light was something else
Something non human
Something non worldly
The light was from the angels.

Among the angels all departed
But one stayed behind for me
She was magical, mystical.
The angel was itself beauty.

She showed me the world
She showed me life
She made me her world
She made me her life.

A day came for her to depart
Tears rushed down like rain
Oh the agony and oh the pain
You are the Beat of my heart!

If you leave what will happen to me
Are you going and letting me be?
I never knew angels could be heartless
If you leave my heart will be beat-less.

She replied: I have to leave.
An angel must not love a human.
I brought you hope and beauty.
And just fulfilled my duty.

You are my hope
You are my beauty
You are my life
Why such cruelty?

She left me.
My breath left me.
My soul left me.
My body lay lifeless.

Not Human

If you can squeeze out tears from me. Try it. You will not succeed. For I have a heart of stone and emotions imprisoned.
If you can scare me. Try it. You will not succeed. For I fear nothing and Not even death.
Sometimes I think. I think that I'm not human. I think I have no feelings and no emotions. I think I am a statue with no life! The only difference between me and the statue is that I can move. Which makes me dangerous for the world. I think one day I'll be seen as a plague for humanity. For I'm not human. Not human at all...I think.

Relationships!!! Boon or Bane?

Since past few days I have been in a troubled state of mind. My mental condition was eating me from inside like a termite. My thoughts were as confused as a hurricane. I was in love or atleast I thought I was. I later found out that it was nothing but an infatuation. A mere unrealistic crush.

How can two people fall in love just through text messages? How can two people simply fall into a relationship just after knowing each other for a few days and that too through phone calls and text messages? This is not love. This is not what a relationship should start. Relationships are not a game or a toy for two young teenagers to play with! It is supposed to be a life long commitment built brick by brick over a long period of time.

There is no such thing as love at first sight because if there was such a thing, every guy including me then would be falling in love thousand times a day.

I was faced with a situation where I had to decide if it was love or just an immature infatuation between two youngsters. This one girl I knew through texting started getting too close to me and it was ll through text messages. It came to a point that we were almost in a relationship. It was too short a period to be falling in love and too unrealistic a way to get to know each other. And I came to a conclusion that it was definitely not love. Maybe it was my ideology mentioned above or maybe it was that I am already in love with someone else I know for a long time. I am confused. For me, people don't fall in love in a second, it happens over a period of time and no one realizes it. I think I have started realizing that. I am in love with some one else. I am in love with some one I had never imagined. Maybe its not true and maybe this is also infatuation. Maybe this is also an immature crush. But im confused.

Who Am I?

Another surge of random philosophy which no one would understand!

Who am I?

I am the eye that searches for the unknown. The lost.
I am the lips that speak the secrets. The untold.
I am the soul that is trapped, craving for freedom. The imprisoned.

And you still ask me who I am?

Government Gang

There is a gang network worse than mafia. It steals and kills and no authority can oppose them because they are the authority themselves. This gang has been functioning since a long time trying to drown Pakistan in a sea if miseries. The gang calls itself "The Government."

My Life???

I just cannot live with the fact that my life has no great purpose. I feel I have to do something big. Something important. Something historical. Something unique and dangerous. I am sick and tired of just sitting around and not being able to do anything. I am fed up of watching my father's struggle for power. It hurts me from inside. Why does human life have to be so complicated and so flawed? I am confused. Day and night my ideas and thinking change according to the previous day's incidents. That keeps me confused as to what principles should I follow. My mind is like a wet cement right now and I want it to harden in the right way. I don't want it to be shaped and hardened in a harmful and bad way.

The Secret Ingredient

Since past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about random stuff. Totally random and often useless. But of all the randomness, I have been thinking about the Secret Ingredient of success. The stuff that enabled them build corporational empires and castles. How do they do it? They were never brilliant in their school! Then how did they do it? Big politicians and rich businessmen! Some of them do not even know how to speak in public. Was it their luck? Or was it their ancestors?

Whatever it was, I still have not found the answer. I may never find the answer. But this secret may make go crazy. I am getting insane. How to? How to? How to?

How to beat these people? How to???

Past Memories, Unforgettable!

I still remember!

"Hey, I will call you in a while when I get back home, I think my workers are having fireworks in the rally. Bubye."

I remember when my mom left home and I turned on the television to see a RED ALERT NEWS BULLETIN saying: A bomb blast on the rally of a candidate for elections for Member of National Assembly in the area of Parachinar.

I was thinking it couldnt be. Not possible. We just talked to my dad. His rally was over and they were having fireworks. But then the The News Bulletin said: Bomb blast on the election rally of Dr. Syed Riaz Hussain Shah NA-37.

This was enough to sweep me off my feet. The rest was history. 61 people dead and 232 injured in the Suicide Bom Blast on my father's rally after he was done with his speech. His closest workers were among the martyrs. My dad cried. He cried because he is such a guy who cannot even see an insect dead.

We all mourned for the dead but I remember what happened two weeks later. I still remember:

"Shehroz! Were you asleep? I am so sorry to hear about your dad!"

"What? What happened to him? Must be a mistake my friend."

"No No, turn on the television and watch the news. There was an attack on his life."

"I will talk to you later!"

News Bulletin: A roadside, remote-controlled bomb blew up the SUV of Dr. Syed Riaz Hussain, candidate for Member of National Assembly from NA-37. No further details.

This time I felt like I was dreaming. No one in my family knew about it as it was morning and everyone was busy with their house chores. I call on the cellphone of my father and a voice tells me that the number is powered off. I was shocked, scared, shitty, and could not even cry. I took out the power cable of the television so that no one should see the news. My mom was not home. I call her just to hear her crying because someone had told her already.

"Mamma, I saw the news. It cannot be. It is a lie. It is a mistake."

"Shehroz, then why isn't your father picking up his damn cellphone?"

"Mamma, relax, mamma we need to be careful, he must be busy. I will call his workers and ask them. Mamma, don't cry. Please mamma, I cannot handle this alone. Please mamma, keep it a secret from others till we contatct Baba. Mamma, for me, please stay strong, I am coming for you, stay there. I am coming right now!"

It took us another four hours before we talked to my father who was in the Operation Theatre after the incident. In a caravan of SUVs of my father and his workers plus guards, no one knew in which SUV my father was sitting and yet the enemy had the information. The SUVs in front had passed by the bomb and when my father's SUV approached the spot, someone with a remote control blew up the bomb. My father's guards and driver were severely injured and the SUV became a pile of rubble. They were taken to the hospital. Who could be so merciless to do such a thing to my father who never meant harm to anyone? He never even meant harm to his own enemies!

My father was injured and so were his closest workers. As one worker gave the account, he said "when we reached to the spot and were looking for your father, we saw a body full of blood. The head and face was so bloody that we thought that your father's body got separated from his head and one of the guys started screaming LOOK FOR THE HEAD LOOK FOR THE HEAD!"

Before we could get in touch with my father, people started pouring in our house. All worried. All waiting for the news. Prayers were answered and myf ather survived the second attempt on his life. But those four hours before the phone call from dad were the most difficult moments of my life. My mom crying, my brothers crying.

"I am okay son. I am okay. I am perfectly fine. I will talk to you later, right now I am going to an undisclosed location to rest. I will call you in a while again."

I will never forget that one month full of election excitement and then full of bloody depression. The memory still haunts me! Haunts me every second of my life, yet I can do nothing. You cannot even imagine!!!

When I say I HAVE SEEN THINGS AND I HAVE EXPERIENCED THINGS, I am not lying. All this changed me. Made me stronger, harder and WIERDER. I may have a friendly mask on me but I am different from inside.

The same Moon!

Sometimes, a random surge of philosophy races through yor mind and it just doesn't make sense. Well, for me this is quite often. But all this made sense to me after a while and may not make sense to you since it was something hidden deep in my heart and I had to let it out somehow so it came out in a concealed coded message! Think deeply over the following:


It is funny how some people think this moon is such a romantic object. I thought so too and had so many romantic nights just sitting under it and staring at it.

Then it is funny how you hate and blame everything when you are angry. I was angry that day and I blamed this same moon for a lot of things. But then I saw that there is a lot more to this whole shebang.

This same moon watches over the lovers of the night. But this same moon also watches over the hungry and poor of the dark, the forgotten.

This same moon watches over a baby sleeping in his craddle. But this same moon also watches over the homeless and the sick, the forgotten.

This moon watches over the lush green valleys full of life. But this moon also watches over the dead deserts, craving for for life, the forgotten.

This moon watches over all the things we know. But this moon aslo watches over all the things we forget, THE FORGOTTEN!

When the whole world is asleep and forgets that life has two sides, the good and the bad, this same moon is awake watching over what we forget! This moon is not like us humans that it forgets. We are a flawed creatures and we forget. One day we will oursleves become the FORGOTTEN and then even the moon will close its eyes on us!

The Famous Girly Laugh

"Dude, are you seriously laughing like a girl?"

"I don't know, it has never happened to me before!"

"Ozzy, you are creeping me out!"

"I never laughed so hard that it became like a girl's laughter!"

"Ozzy, stop it! Its freakin' me out! Your laughing fit is getting scary now!"

"I can't stop!"

"Ozzy, breathe, breathe! HAHAHA, you can't even breathe now!"

Oh I miss those days when I used to have those laughing fits where the final level of my laughter would be to laugh like a girl! It all started a week after I met my twin brother Marcelo. We were both ready to sleep in our beds with lights turned off that Marcelo made a small racist joke. It was a pathetic joke but I started laughing. And after about ten minutes, I reached my final level of laughter and started laughing like a girl. I just could not stop. Marcelo was scared. He got out of his bed and turned on the lights to find me lying upside down on the floor and laughing so hard that my face was red and eyes wet and popping out! He had to slap me to get me back to my senses! And after that my girly laugh became famous in the whole school as well as everywhere else. I would laugh in school, in car, in gym, in pool, on road, in bus...EVERYWHERE!

"Hey just wait, Ozzy is gonna laugh like a girl now!"

Oh only Marcelo could make me laugh like that! No one has ever been able to do that. None of my friends who I knew since birth could do that. Even I never knew that I could laugh so hard. I had never reached the full potential of my laugh to see that it is a GIRLY LAUGH!

Ever since I came back, I have not been able to laugh. THE REAL ACTUAL UNFAKE LAUGH. I have yet to experience that in Pakistan. I wish I could laugh again among all these miseries. I wish I could laugh again like a girl and have the time of my life. I still regret accidently deleting a video in which Marcelo recorded me laughing like a girl. Alas! Those days are gone. I have always been known as the SERIOUS SHEHROZ WHO MINDS HIS OWN BUSINESS. But only my true friends in America knew that THIS SERIOUS SHEHROZ is just a mask. OZZY'S LAUGH MAKES US LAUGH!

That is when it became clear to me that SHEHROZ HAS BEEN TRANSFORMED TO OZZY. And when I came back to Pakistan, OZZY'S EXISTENCE BECAME IMPOSSIBLE.

Marcelo, I wish I had known you my whole life; I would have been such a different person. Marcelo, I wish God had made you my ACTUAL twin brother. Marcelo, I wish you were here right now to make me laugh. I MISS LAUGHING. THE REAL ACTUAL UNFAKE LAUGH. THE GIRLY LAUGH.

ME ME ME & Friends

Ever since I landed in this God forsaken country, I have been faced with one sarcastic remark after another.

"Now you have changed"
"You were better before"
"So wierd"
"Mr. Flirt"
"What happened to you?"
"Hey this is Pakistan now!"

And all I could say to myself was FUCK IT! Yes! Fuck everything! I do not fucking give a shit about anything!

All my friends who I trusted with my life came out to be fake. BLOODY ASSHOLES! I would have given my life for them for I am not afraid of death (if you knew). I am not afraid of death but these fake friends gave me a thousand deaths. If I have changed for them, then don't they even love me to accept me no matter how different I am? Can't they understand that people change? Well, I am what I am and that is enough for me.

I WISH I WISH I WISH

Wishes. We all have wishes. We even have wishlists on facebook. I wish for an iPod. He wishes for a new car. I wish for a bigger television. He wishes for a better house. She wishes for a sophisticated kitchen. Everyone wishes for something. Don't you? I do. And then we start something we never did before. We start saving. Life is always better when you save. They sell CDs and books advising you to budget and save in the right way as if God revealed to them the secrets of finances. I wish I wish I wish and then save save save. But no one ever saved to help. No one ever saved for someone else. No one ever saved to save another life. We are all so happily living in our small close-to-perfect lives that we rarely see outside our airconditioned houses and windows of our tinted cars. We all talk about how our country is failing but have we ever tried to even do something about it? Open up your window and listen closely to the breeze. Just wait for a while and get over the hot weather and listen. You will hear a small whistling sound. Don't be dissapointed and wait for a little longer. Focus and listen closely. That whistle sound is the voice of a young kid whose father passed away and his mother works as a cleaner in a house. He knows that there is no fairy or angel who would fulfill his wish. I wish for my dad to come back to me. I wish I get one extra bite of bread to satisfy hunger. I wish for education. I wish I wish I wish. Did you hear that? These innocent wishes of this poor child are carried by the wind yet no one listens to it. Do me a favor and go sit by a big tree. Close your eyes and do not complain about having no time for this. Just do it. Smell the fragrance of the leaves and flowers. Just wait a little longer. Forget how late you are for your work and concentrate. The scent of leaves and flowers is the scent of a farmer. This scent will speak to you about the wishes if this poor farmer and the only bread winner of a family of eight. He is a human and he wishes too. I wish that my crops grow well. I wish I get some extra money to buy some extra food. I wish my mom feels better. I wish I could educate my sons. I wish I wish I wish. These simple wishes of this sweaty, hardworking farmer are spread around by the scent of the leaves yet every one is drowned in pollution to pay heed to it. If your eyes are opening now, bear with me one more time as I want to wake you up from your deep slumber full of perfect dreams. Turn of every electronic appliance of your house and close every door. Turn off the lights and fans and air conditioners. Sit in absolute darkness and then light a candle. Look at the dancing flame and pay close attention to its flickers. Concentrate. This dance of the flame talks about a girl getting ready for marriage. I wish my father is able to pay off all the loans he took for the wedding and dowry. I wish my father finds will power to live after I am gone. I wish my husband is ever faithful to me. I wish God bless my life and family. I wish I wish I wish. Who will fulfill her wishes? You? Me? How? Because we are so engrossed with our dreams, we forget that all our dreams should focus on a better world. One last time do this with me. Just once. Go sit in your garden near a flower. Wait for a butterfly to come by. Wait a bit longer and do not complain. Pay attention to its every flutter of the wing. Watch closely how it floats in the air and how its colorful wings rise and fall. This rise and fall will tell you about wishes of yet another human being. It will tell you about the wishes of another mother who lost her kids in a bomb blast during war. I wish I could kiss my sons one last time. I wish they find place in paradise. I wish I die soon to see them again. I wish the sound of "ammi, ammi" could again echo in the house. I wish I wish I wish. Now my friends, tell me again what you wish! Tell me again that you want an iPhone or a new laptop or a bigger television or a better house or a cuter girlfriend or an expensive car. Keep wishing. But wish for others too. And pay heed to what others are wishing for! HELP THEM!

Why Bother??

Stuck in the past, i was flown to the future for a year and now I have been thrown back to my past life. Left to rot. That's what I think till now. I am just sitting here and rotting!



Pakistan is my home and America was just a small fantasy ride. But when I came back, I was all pumped up to bring a change in my area and make a difference. Now I realize that no matter what I do, it won't make a difference at all. Poor people will still sleep hungry, sects would still fight on, government would still steal, prices would still go higher and higher, soldiers would still die and country would still fall further. SO WHY SHOULD I EVEN BOTHER? We heard of Edhi and NGOs and many welfare organizations that do a lot of volunteer work but let us just sit and analyze the whole situation and ask ourselves DID IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE?? Did any of those eradicate poverty or brought social changes to our country? I am afraid the answer to this is in the NEGATIVE!



Pakistan was carved out in the year 1946 and its no better than it was then...Countries proceed ahead while Pakistan walks backwards. Every time someone raises his voice to rebel against the system is pushed back and killed or his voice muted!

WELCOME TO PAKISTAN! A MIND-TOORTURING PLACE FOR ME!

My Death

How sweet that death would be
If it will be recorded in the history

No More The Same!

It is time to go back home and all the images come back. My room, my shelf, my closet, Ammi on the bed with her round, golden glasses and Daddy on his rocking chair with eyes fixed on T.V. The images! Glimpses of my past life! My actual life! It won't be the same again! Never!

Now I know how a soldier feels like when he returns home. Now I know how a mother feels like seeing his child after bearing him for nine months. Now I know! Now I know alot of things. More than anyone. I have changed. Changed so much that nothing will be the same again. Never!

I have realized alot and seen alot. I have experienced alot and felt alot. I have seen both sides of the story, the inside and outside of a stone. I had lived inside a stone and always wondered how the outside was. Now I know. Not inside anymore. Things have changed. Nothing will be the same again. Never!

Corporation and Gender

People in this world are like a corporation. Everyone working in the corporation has their own responsibilities the same way relations and genders have in our world. BUT if you mix up the responsibilties, the corporation struggles and starts to break down. A clerk cannot be a manager the same way a female cannot be a male.

MEN! DO WHAT YOU WERE DOING!
WOMEN! DO WHAT YOU WERE DOING!

Do not mix up your responsibilities in the name of EQUALITY as a Finance Manager cannot be the same as a Marketing Manager because they both are different but equal in status.

Humans

Human nature is a great mystery. God has created emotions in such a complex and mysterious way that no one can understand how they work. I came to America and my first thoughts were OZZY THESE PEOPLE KNOW THAT THEY WILL NOT SEE YOU AGAIN AFTER A YEAR, AND YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN, SO DO NOT GIVE OR EXPECT LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP, DO NOT GIVE OR EXPECT BONDS FROM THEM!

Things have changed. I have attached myself to so many people who I am sure I will never see again. Even if they do promise to come to Pakistan, I do not know if I will be alive to welcome them. Who knows God's strange way of working! I have made friends, fallen in love and had fun and now it is all going to become just a memory. Everything will become just a memory or an internet discussion. I am called a pessimist for thinking like that, but actually I am just being realistic. I have bonded with people here and I have bonded with people from other countries even though I knew and they knew that we would never see each other again. Human nature. Wierd, isn't it? I never expected this. But now I have to survive the pain of letting it all go. I have to endure completely leaving behind my this life and never seeing it again! How will I do that I do not know because I am usually fragile emotionally! I do not express emotions but I burn from inside.

Bye my friends. Good-bye and forget me not, for I will never forget you!

Pakistan Zindabad?

When Muhammad Ali Jinnah carved out Pakistan, he did not realize that the slogans of PAKISTAN ZINDABAD will one day fade out...It has already begun!

Pakistan created itself out of the dust of an insignificant imagination. It pierced through the impossible and became the possible. And now it is being pushed into the abyss of destruction, the hell of disaster and the fire of doom. Who is to blame? The government or the people? I would blame Muhammad Ali Jinnah for creating a land for these undeserving, useless people who are the fuel for all this trouble and chaos. People blame it on the religious laws or the government policies but seldom would they accept that the fault lies in them. Why not get up and shout against anything that one may feel is worng? Why just sit in front of a television and complain? WHINE WHINE WHINE, that is all we are capable of. Our civilization is old and unique, why have we failed to compete in the world? Are the ideas of Social Darwinism true that one race could be superior to another? If it is, then we have proved inferior to the world and our time is short. Why not rise together and show the world who we are? That will probably not work because you are all busy with your selfish lives in front of your televisions and radios.

I dream of Pakistan as a nation not following some other nation like a pet but a nation of power, might and authority. I feel so small, insignificant and useless to do anything about Pakisatn. I have to wait for now. But I am scared that Pakistan will not survive till I am capable enough to actually do somethng about it. It has reached its critical level when other countries' eyes pop out to take over! America has shown concern over our nuclear power and in near future may attack it with this excuse. Why cannot other countries have nuclear technology and America can? Probably because America wants to stay as the world power but why cannot everyone be equal?

Pakistan is sinking and with it my heart! All Pakistan needs is a Messiah!

Friends?? Where??

The most unfortunate son of Adam is one who does not have a loyal friend. I used to consider myself extremely fortunate! Being surrounded by a swarm of people who loved me like a bee loves his hive. I was always in the limelight, the warm center of attention.The question had always been WHAT WOULD SHEHROZ DO? and WHAT DID SHEHROZ DO? My friends would even give their life for me for they knew that I would give my life for them. But God always has a unique design for everyone. I was not spared!

Since I came here, I have found out how true my friends were to me all my life. They stabbed me right in the heart so many times that my heart is completely numb now. Who to trust? I am no longer what I was in my school in Pakistan. They all turned their faces away from me. ALL OF THEM! Now, I have to go back and I will again be surrounded by people but will I ever be able to trust anyone enough to befriend him/her? This has surely changed me enought to become cruel and rude. I was always nice to EVERYONE and never selfish but now SHEHROZ has changed. It will not be good for my social life but atleast my heart will be satisfied that I will never be betrayed. If I am bad enough then the friends I will make will not love me because of my position and status but because they would know me deep enough to see why I have become so rude and slefish.

And as for these hypocritical so-called friends, I will show them who I am and make them realize that they have lost my valuable friendship. I would have taken all of them in my boat but now there is only one boat and only one seat for me. I RIDE ALONE NOW!

Son of Adam Vs. God

I was sitting among the unbelievers. Unbelievers everywhere I looked. Their was a lot of show and drama going on. They were singing and called it WORSHIP but I knew what it actually meant to worship! I was still steadfast to my belief but the Devil kept whispering into my ear! He kept telling me to listen to him.



BUT...on my right ear I heard a voice of God Himself! The most sweet sound I have ever heard! The voice was enough to bring tears in my eyes and to make my faith stronger.



Oh Son of Adam, you asked me to tell you what is right! I told you what is wrong! See what is going around you and think what is wrong. I created you but would you turn away from them the way they did? I crafted you with my own hands which is more difficult than the way an artist makes a sculptor and I love you more than the way a mother loves her child after bearing him for nine months. I took care of you every moment since I made you. You asked me for a car and I gave you a job. You asked me for help and I gave you a friend. You asked me for satisfaction and I gave you family. You asked me for love and I gave you children. You asked me for better jobs and I gave you better education. You asked me for protection and I gave you mother. You asked me for blessings and I gave you a father. You asked me for strength against you renemies, I put you with strong enemies so that you may become stronger You asked for food and I gave you rain. You are fortunate and many are not. Thus, in this time of test will you forsake me? Will you deny the shadow of my hand over your head and start singing and crying like these ignorants who think I would like to be worshipped with music and songs. I only like to be worshipped from within your hearts and not from your mouth with a devil's tongue!

Don't knock the door

I once read an Urdu novel with the title DASTAK NA DO (Don't knock the door) and it inspired me to write this story somewhere in 2006...I am just transfering it from page to technology and shortening it.

She was standing there. And I was far away. She was standing there at the bus stop with a swarm of people around her like a bee hive-unconcerned and busy. And I was standing here, far away with my rich friends around me who would give ther life for me. A distance existed between us, a social distance and a cultural distance. I never believed in love at first sight but it is ironic how a thief can turn into a priest and how a priest can turn into a thief. But it couldn't be love. It just couldn't be. Its just a fantastic concept over-exagerrated by stories, movies, poems and songs. How can someone like me be ever involved in a chidish thing called love. I just sat in my car and drove away.

I couldn't sleep anymore. What was it? Why was it? Why is love considered the most beautiful thing in the world yet it is so painful and torturous? My once satisfaction-filled dreams are stolen by a poor girl who I don't even know. She was ordinary looking yet so extraordinary! What was it about her that snatched me away from my carelesness and changed me in a moment. How can a rebel like me change so easily? That is how my nights were spent after that day, questions racing through my mind like eagles soaring towards the ground to catch its prey. I was disturbed and confused. I decide to find her. What a typical start of the love story! It was crazy i knew that well.

I find her at the same bus stop. I park my car far away. She was standing there and this time i was closer to her. I stand by her, she ignores. "Where does this bus go?" I ask. "To the city market." She replies. And then starts what a poet would call a true love story. I would meet her everyday and we would talk about everything. Yet I never expressed her my love nor did she see me in that sense. We were friends and I was more than content with her company. Everyday I would stand in front of the mirror and promise myself to tell her about my feelings but somewhere in my heart I was waiting for something-waiting for a sign from her. I was afraid that I may lose her forever, a dilemma faced by every lover. I decided never to knock the door. Stay quiet and be friends. There was still a distance I could never shorten. What else could one do who never used to believe in love?

Like every love story, there is always a twist that changed the whole direction of the story. She stopped showing up at the bus stop. I never knew her home! How could I be so stupid? I would wait thereeveryday yet she never showed up. What to do? Where to go? OH THE MADNESS AND THE PAIN! Everyday I would imagine her silky hair like a stream of water brushing against my cheek, her breath like spring breeze caressing my hair. I could not sleep, could not even dream about her. I picked the knife and did what I could do to get rid of my pain.

She had died in an accident after meeting me one day and departed from this world leaving behind a secret lover who killed himself. Indeed they met somewhere in the other world and would have blamed each other for never knocking the door!

Pranks...

I have played quite a few pranks over here with some American friends.

One of them was to write HAPPY BIRTHDAY all over Brooke's car and 'Food Wrapped' her whole car using a few rolls of clear food wrap. That was hilarious. The expressions were pricelss once she saw it! It took the elements of spying plus speed plus accuracy plus brains to pull this one off!

Another recent one was when Marcelo and I were going with Kent to an old lady's house to play some games and have dinner. Her name was Mary Spears. Now, the problem was that she had a very nosy neighbor (another old lady) who would spy on all of her neighbors all the time. Guess what we did to her! Me and marcelo walked up to her house and rang the bell. She opened the door and I said "ARE YOU THE ONE WHO ASKED FOR THE ESCORT SERVICE?" Escort is a more polite word for hooker (in this case, 2 handsome male hookers from Pakistan and Brazil). hearing this, she was shocked and said "NO NO I DIDN'T ASK FOR ANY!" At this Marcelo (my Brazilian brother) said, "AREN'T YOU MARY SPEARS?" And the old lady immediately says, "OH MARY SPEARS LIVES ACROSS THE STREET IN A GREEN HOUSE!" The only purpose of this was to test her NOSINESS and stimulate it further. In a matter of seconds, the news spread throughout the neighborhood old ladies that Mary Spears asked for two young, handsome male ESCORTS. Now, her curiousity could not keep her from calling Mary Spears and getting further details. So she calls and goes on, "WHY DID YOU ASK FOR YOUNG ESCORTS?" ANd Mary Spears replies, "OH BECAUSE THEY ARE CUTE!"

Well, we had to tell her that it was a prank. If I was Mary Spears, I would have never told her that it was a prank just to increase her curiosity and spying over the next few weeks!

Death?

How difficult it is to raise a child, how difficult it is to create a life, but how easy it is to take it all away! IN A SECOND!

Death has always fascinated me. As most of my fascination lies in mysteries. The brain, the universe and death are the three most mysterious phenomena.

"Death seems so fascinating.
You live miserably.
And then die peacefully."

Depressing? Garbage?

Someone told me that I only write depressing stuff in my blog! Well, I cannot help it. The olden golden days of pen and paper are gone when people would write even under the moonlight. I still cannot write unless I have a pen in my hand and a paper beneath it and thousands of thoughts running like a stream in my head. But when I sit down on the computer, my thoughts just vanish! I feel like an idiot with my hands on the keyboard. This frustration turns into anger and in turn the anger makes me write depressing stuff that further angers me! Moreover, I have lost my flow of writing since August... Where has my creativity gone? Where has my philosophically beautiful phrases vanished? I know where! In the dark realm of technology!

You see again I started writing rubbish! GARBAGE GARBAGE GARBAGE!
aaaaaaaaaarghhhhh....

Those people who know me, they know that I am too lazy...Too lazy to even type my written stuff on computer. And some of those people even know that I do not like to share my written material. Its just that I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself! As half of the time they are completely absurd!

See, garbage again!